7 Things About Science Fiction Your Boss Wants To Know

Your boss doesn't know anything about science fiction, and you're wondering how to turn this situation to your advantage. Well, here is a list of 7 things your boss wants to know about science fiction. Answer these questions for your boss, and you're well on your way to a "promotion."


1. Can I skim off my employees' 401(k) plans, given that the apocalypse is right around the corner?

 

Yes. Money will be irrelevant when violence is the only coin of the realm. Your employees are not going to use their retirement funds. You can't take it with you into the apocalypse, so by all means. 

 Cha ching, bitches! (Yes, they are ones, fives, and a ten.)

Cha ching, bitches! (Yes, they are ones, fives, and a ten.)

Pro tip: Don't try this with employees nearing retirement. They check the value of their investments regularly. You don't want to be in prison when the apocalypse comes. Unless it's a zombie apocalypse. That totally worked out for Tyreese on The Walking Dead. 


2. Is there a way to program human employees to be as servile as an android? 

 

The short answer to this question is, thankfully, no. People can't be programmed. The longer answer is, of course! Depending upon how desperate an employee is to retain a job, that employee can be made to swallow all manner of indignities. 

 The perfect employee.

The perfect employee.

Pro tip: Hire employees with children. Those with hungry mouths to feed are more likely to take abuse in resentful silence than the childless. 

 


3. Can I please go back in time and not hire Steve in Accounting? He keeps pointing out that my numbers don't add up. And I think he's stealing my creamer. I've already sexually harassed him, so firing him is out of the question.

 

First, you should know that the law of contingency means that it's quite possible that the present you return to will be substantially different from the one you left behind. It might be better. Then again, it might be a seared hellscape where you find that Steve from Accounting is Lord & Master of All He Surveys. 

Most of all, avoid getting noticed by your past self. He will have a heart attack, and then you'll slowly fade into invisibility and scream while the credits roll. 

 Goddamn Steve from Goddamn Accounting. 

Goddamn Steve from Goddamn Accounting. 

Pro tip: Frame Steve from Accounting for stealing from the company instead of time travel. Less dangerous, and he might just go to jail. 


4. Where can I get those collars used in The Running Man that blow off prisoners' heads when they try to leave the worksite? Turnover is a real bitch here.

 

Costco. 

 Five o'clock means five o'clock, Will. 

Five o'clock means five o'clock, Will. 

Pro tip: If you're going to use these collars, make sure your workplace has hard floor or low nap carpet as brain tissue and bone fragments are very difficult to clean out of pile carpet. 


5. I use the word "synergy" regularly, but I have no idea what it means. Is this a science fiction term? It sounds like a science fiction term. What does it mean?

 

First of all, "synergy" is not a science fiction term because science fiction isn't a wretched, meaningless wasteland like your soul. The term is used as rhetorical padding by people whose job is to antagonize other people into creating something of value for which they can then take credit. See also: paradigm shift, datafication, and rightsizing.

 

 Ohhhhh... SYNergy. 

Ohhhhh... SYNergy. 

Pro tip: Go fuck yourself.


6. I've heard a lot about artificial intelligence. How and when can I take advantage of this, and how many people can I lay off when it happens? 

 

No no no. You misunderstand. We won't be taking advantage of artificial intelligence (AI). Please refer to Terminator 2: Judgment Day for factually accurate information on AI. To sum up: we will all be hunted down by murderous robots who are capable of outthinking us and outrunning us. Our only hope is that a man from the future will send his father back in time to impregnate his mother, which makes absolutely no sense.

 Bring it on!

Bring it on!

Pro tip: Carry a cyanide caplet in your cheek at all times. With one bite, you can rob the sentient robot regime of the pleasure of torturing you to death. 

 


7. Star Trek or Star Wars?

 

Star Wars.

 I mean, just look at these ships. 

I mean, just look at these ships. 

Jedi tip: Star Trek is okay, too. Just not the series with Scott Bakula. 

Branden FrankelComment